～～～低落～～～疲憊～～～

最近，縂覺得做什麽都提不起勁。仿佛人生走到了盡頭，劇終人散的感覺。每每，都有一陣的我是處於低落狀態的。但要論原因就不祥一二了。可能我的人生有太多憂慮，凡是都愛提問自身反讓身心都處於疲憊狀態。

小時曾有過輕度憂鬱，現今那不喜歡的感覺好像又漸漸的接近和謀害我那脆弱的心靈。很多事對任何人都是無可奉告的。如在讀的各位想提問，小弟還是奉勸您把那提問收入心底。不想說的事，不管你是誰都一樣公平的保密。可能大多數人會說本是由很多小秘密勸分享但就算告訴了您能有所幫助？最終人還是得靠自己來走完必須的道路。

所以就讓我帶著已有的面具向前把。

ＰＳ：請別對號入座！我沒說任何人～

...

Somehow, I felt that my confidence is disappearing gradually without reasons. Why would that be?  As day passes, I don't feel like doing anything anymore. Somebody please help!

Right now, I just felt like sleeping instead of working on what I should. Damn... I'm dying? Depression is coming to me again after some years of hibernating? 

最近的我好忙碌!

最近的我好忙碌!

心~碎了！

昨晚，因某件事心情不好。。

晚上，朋友說想去吃宵夜但因爲同種原因而拒絕了。。

再加上看了叫感人的戯，終于哭了出來。。

好久沒有感到那麽的沮喪了！

今早，友人一同電話打來說要去修理物品。。

我答應了！

帶著前晚的心情出街去~

本以爲能夠讓自己開心起來，但此時此刻的我，感到更加的悲傷和心痛。。

難道就沒有人能夠讓我開心嗎？

陪伴去了維修中心后，我說要去我那閒銀行的ATM按錢。。

但走到一半只剩我孤獨的過去了。。

非要去自己銀行的ATM是有個人原因的！

不然，到處都能按錢啊~

難道你們就覺得我是在意那RM1嗎？

孤獨走著過去時，心就像被割似的。。

然後電話就來了。。

說在某某地方等我~

我真的灰心了~

我真的覺得那時的我根本就不被視爲朋友！

根本就是透明的！

提了錢，買了wang pos， 就過去找他們拿錢。。

也根ta很氣的埋怨了！

每說一句就停一句。。

就是讓在眼眶打轉的眼淚能夠回流~

不想在衆人面前哭出來。。

過後，就回去宿舍了~

一路上，忍著淚水，強顏歡笑的，真的很辛苦!

誰能讓我信任的大哭？

Need you now?

Somehow, I wish there is somebody by my side supporting my near to collapse spirit~
Would be impossible for now huh?

As in one of my fav song, "Need you know" by Lady Antebellum, I really need somebody now. The sorrows... argh!!!!

Little not happy CNY 2011. Celebration, gathering, reunion and problems.

Has been some times since I last visiting and fill in more stuff to my home.

Draw back to weeks ago before continuous raining causing chaos in Johor. I went back on Wednesday and start having my leisure long holiday. My weight was 63 kg when I reached home and the final weight after CNY holiday will be announced later.

In that week, I started to hear bad news on flooding all over Johor. Some of my friends were victims to the flooding and it was devastating to all Chinese community as this has totally disrupt the festive vendor chances. The floods had also causing big loss to plantation industrial but its a good news to my uncle in Muar. Rain helps promote growth of abalone mushroom.

Next, my mum was sacked by her company and her health was in red alert. Her diagnostic result shown that she had several lumps in her uterus but luckily all were benign. She got to go for operation to remove it and maybe got to remove her uterus as whole. Should be grateful as she got insurances covered by her former company for the surgical fees in Singapore.

The Chinese New Year this year was boring and mood-less for me as I can't feel any festive fever around. The situation in Johor, mum's situation and raining weather causing me to stay indoor for most of the time. In fact, I was quite moody and down for the whole week. Luckily I got my family and friends company. Hang out with friends starting 1st February till the night before I return to UKM. Not much knew about this matter and I never once told anyone bout how I felt with all these. Had been to singing session with friends before CNY and with my family (sibling and cousins) during CNY. Been to lounge with friends too and was introduced with Strongbow, a kind of beer from England. Taste quite good and your opt to have a sip of it if have chance.

I had perfectly utilized all my times during CNY with family and friends. First day of CNY as usual we all went to gramps' to have our reunion meal cooked by my mum. This year, I force her to reduce some dishes so she can have some rest in the night before CNY. After, we went to my great uncle's house and had a small chat with my uncles there. This year however, I missed the trip to my aunt's house. In the night, I went to Eli's house for gambling session.Before set off, I had some discussion on Chinese history with my dad based on the movie shown in TV. I like this kinda of sensation and groove that I had with my parents this year.

At my friend's house, we had a big time together. Start the gambling session from approx. 9.20 p.m. and end at 3.00 a.m.. This was fanatic but it has been aged since we last gathered. Learned a few cards play during the session. Went for supper (breakfast?) straight after as we're all very hungry. Had a flashback chats on our memories in secondary school and hit back to our home at around 4.30 a.m.. Then at around 8 a.m. we set off to Bukit Mor, Muar. I catch a nap in the car too which usually I won't. Usually, I will chat with my dad to keep him sane and awake but I failed this time. Nevermind~

Reached JB at around 8 p.m. and had a quick rest until the singing session with my cousins. Maybe is due to the continuously schedule, I worn out on the third day waking up in the afternoon. In the night, I had baking session with my mum until about 1 a.m.. On forth day, I went to another friend's house for gambling session once again. This time, we even play "Fish, Prawn, Crab". It was so crazy!!! Then in the night, I had a small gathering with another bunch of friends to catch up before I returning UKM.

Set off from home at 10.30 a.m. and reaching safety at around 2.30 p.m.. I was lucky as the traffic was smooth. Had a cat nap and went for lecture. After lecture, I went for dinner at "Oldman" with my ex-roommate and friends.

I had no idea why, I never wanted to be left boring. I will surely find something to do or even hang out with friends for the whole day. I will study till I drop if I really can't find anything to do. Had no idea how this occur. On the 7th day of CNY, which is equivalent to "Human day"{人日 ren ri} , I went for celebration with another gang of friends. Sang (shout) crazily for 4 hours and went for dinner in Sg. Chua. Due to overloading customers but limited cooks, we waited for our dinner for about 1 and a half hours but end up each of us just need to pay about RM20 for both singing and dinner (RM8). The next day, I went to had movie with my friends again. We watched "I love Hong Kong". It was hilarious but was meaningful.

~Filial towards elderly

~The adhesiveness of a community

~Sacrifices for family and friends

~Brotherhood love

~Trust

~People does change

~Experiences vs exterior

~The power of socializing and dare

Before the meal, we had our lunch (bunch for me) at Bar-B-Q plaza.

After movie, we went back and had our gathering. We brought a lot of cookies there to celebrate CNY. Ate all the delicious cookies just make me felt over the heaven. 

Thats all for the past week. Maybe tomorrow I will be having another gathering with festive cookies with different group of friends just to keep myself occupied again. Until then, au revoir! Bonne Nuit tout le monde!

Emo ranting~!

Finally the first outing with my gang in this semester. Once again, we went to have a dreadful steamboat session and we went to a new shop. As I don't eat seafood, I am basically wasting my money as I can only eat all those cheaper food ingredient.

Then something crops  up when we were about to set off to college, my suis broken. So tension as I can't even start my engine as my battery doesn't connect to the engine. I called my dad in hope of seeking for help and luckily he wake up and answer my call or else I would not know what to do then. After listening to his instruction, finally I can start my engine and safely drove back.

As I am the guy who doesn't like people to concern about me so much, I went to emo states again. My emotions are flowing out from everywhere and I'm hating myself so much. Looking on the surface, I am very cool and seem to be nothing happens before but thats just in front of my friends or peoples. I am too fragile! Back to room, I started to felt apologetic towards my parents as I make them worry. Luckily my mum was at work or else I can't imagine what happens afterwards. As I am away from home and they hardly even met me , this just worsen the condition. Maybe I'm being paranoia, but I can felt the moment I make the call they will be wondering this boy should be facing problems. This is due to that I rarely having phone conversation with them unless I'm planing to go back home.

I also chat with Kheng Siang to inform him about this matter. I wanted to get it repaired as soon as possible and he agreed to accompany me to the workshop. I am thankful to have a friend who willing to accompany me for repairing this minor problem (big problem for me as I might be electrocuted if I'm careless by bits while starting my engine).

The next day, I just went to the lab just for the sake of running my digested samples. Then, he message me and say his lecture had been changed to tomorrow and we can go out earlier. After some searching, we found a shop that have another kind of plug by with same function. However, he was like simply do for me and that thing was supposed to be hid away but he making it so obvious. Back to college, I am lucky to found a parking lot but it was so hard to park my car in. Some very "CLEVER" driver parked their cars in the middle of the road that doesn't have any line drawn. As the space is just about a car wide, I am struggling so hard forward and reverse until the car was in the box nicely. I took about 10 minutes before I my car rest in the parking lot. Then I started to modify the position of the plug. After around 15 minutes, I finally did it.

OK~ done with ranting my feelings out~
Sorry guys for my grammatical and sentence construct error.

Thesis desperado

It has been such a long time since I last updated my blog. Sorry for my M.I.A.
In the past few weeks, I was held down with various of programs and as the new term has started, I find it rather difficult to split my time accordance to my available. Also, by now I should have already get my title for my thesis but rather, I got nothing yet as my supervisor is busy and now available for counsel. She also didn't reply my email regarding title and at least a narrowed scope will be enough. I am quite tension as most of my course mates  has already get their title and started to plan for the experimental work. However for me, nothing. I really hate the feeling of waiting!

Hope she will at least reply my email so that I can start to search for the information regarding the topic and start with my proposal which due on the fifth weeks which is on the second week of August.

lost

Recently, I has lost all my inspiration in posting blogs or writing. Just what is going on with me? Am I lost all my creativity or just I am getting more and more lazy? I have no idea. Only times can prove everything.

Hope to find myself back. God bless

Disrespect

These few days, I sense that I started to lose respect from others. I can sense that people started to being rude to be and what more belittle me. I have no idea what actually happens but I am tired of this any longer. Might the effort I put in for socializing is less but this should not be a problem in socializing. Losing faith with others and from now, I need a very private and seclude place so that I can made myself cool down. Sometimes, I really scared that I might erupt just like that without knowing the consequences to the others but I just can't do this. This will only ruin my social life entirely.

Now, I am thinking back again, did I made a mistake for joining? Been here for several weeks but I am never even once happy and laugh from within. Yesterday, I started to snare on my colleague and juniors. Anyway, whatever happens will depend on my current self.

FED UP!!!!!!!

Have been here for almost a month with the family of convocation carnival. We did share joy together but now thing has change. Off limit is being detected and is getting worst. Also, due to some unknown reason, the respect is gone among us. Why is all these happening? I have been bottled up this matter since the beginning and this is making me so fed up that I almost scold them regarding this. However, I do need to remain my cool or else things will go from bad to worst and till there is no salvation to the whole situation.

All these is related to one's behaviors. Can see that some have good personality and does respect others but they were being forced by rudeness and changed their personality. While, some were such ignorant to interfere others job. Well, what can I say? I am getting more and more lazy to SPEAK anymore and if this matter goes worst, I will also leave and I hold on my word.

Can they be more sensible to just hold on to their own JOBS FIELD? If wanna interfere into others job field, then why do we need to be here? PLEASE be clear that there are boundaries not to be crossed and if wanna cross, permission is required. I can't condemn much on this matter any further and IF YOU WANNA CROSS THE BOUNDARIES, please ask before act!

Slugging crap rubbish

I almost forgotten that I owned this blog. This is the third week for me in this third semester and I am really in a lost. A total lost and dilemma for me as I have totally no idea what I'm doing by days and time just past just like that. I have lost all my interest and my inspirations and ideas were gone just like that. I hate this feeling as this kinda make me felt useless akin I'm a piece of rug. Just what is happening to me? I wanna return back to my own self and not this useless and up to nothing rubbish.

untitled

Its been such a long time since I last post a blog post. I am out of idea what to write in my blog as I never had a good night sleep before since then. Joining this all and the business is driving me to be more alert but at the same time getting more emo. Never knew since when, I started to become more and more towards myself (self-centered) in sense of opinion. I can no longer tolerance others as their progression is very much SLOW! I hate to snatch peoples job away as this makes me really tired but what can I do? I inherited this gene from my mum and now is partly workaholic. The slower the progression, the faster it force me to take over others job as thats not my job. Can I run away? Hmm... anyway, hope everything will be perfectly fine

气馁

好闲啊！！！ 今天我还是没能住进房间。 今年，毕业展真的被校方打压得死死的。去年今天，我们亦会到来就能住进房间了，可是今年呢我们却连可以住的宿舍都还不知。校方改革，我们也要变成改革的羔羊吗？ 这样如此打压和被欺凌，我们会把活动做好吗？资金问题，住宿问题，时间问题，校方的楚楚刁难，我今年如果校方会彻底的把毕业展个搞垮！！！

考试一周

考试就这样过了一个星期。在这个星期里，我的信心一连被两科主修科给挤垮了。这也是我人生第一次觉得如此。不知为何的，刚考完试后，我有种要让自己流泪的感觉可是欲哭无泪啊。。。

可能是这个学期对我来说是个很压力的一个学期把。 人是贪心的动物，我承认事实如此。越是想得到的， 当得不到时内心就会发起一股不悦的情感。我也是一样，订下目标后，总觉得现在的我离目标越来越远了。这两张考卷让我感到无比的丧心也让我有想放弃的感觉。可是我了解到，也可能是应为这样，我才能真正的了解我自己。在弱肉强食的时代里，只有强者才能存活和生存。我不喜欢跟别人争也讨厌这种观念可是活在现今身不由己。

昨天的我和今天的我已是不同的人。在悲观都好，我已学习到抗压的方法了。昨天的我真的很疯狂。一整天就是在背书，到了晚上，突发觉我的胃又开始不舒服了。那痛觉让我感到无奈，也让我连想到之前都必须靠药来缓解疼痛。 我不想再一直过这样的生活，胃痛说真的是很难受很不舒服的。为了不想再吃药， 我已天天尽量的按时吃饭了。可是，我的胃就是不争气，现在都在我吃完饭后还是疼痛。我可不想那么快就倒下了。

Week 14th, second year semester 2

Finally is the first day of April. Actually for the past few days, many things happens. This is indeed the busiest week for me. On Saturday, I went to UCSI for the Biochemistry's Intervarsity Thesis Presentation. This is the one and only platform for us, undergraduates to present the fruit of our hard works. Maybe next year will be my turn if I can did well in my research. Hope I can really get the topic I like for my honour year research. The organizer is really very good as in food because they really did consider for the vegetarians and non-vegetarians. For non-vege, everyone get a pack of KFC's lunch pack with 2 potato mashes and no coleslaw. Then on Sunday, I have been confining myself in the room just for the sake of doing my assignment. The whole day, I have done 2 assignment and prepare for my presentation on Monday. What more, I done watching a series of drama.

Exam day 1

Today is the first day of my exam and I really felt stress this semester...really!!!
I couldn't believe that I can ever felt pressure even weeks before the exam started and begin to study like never before. Maybe that my mind is made and this is just too freaking me out. Tune in quite early yesterday after the medication and just before waking up, I had a dream again. In the dream, I was studying for the same thing again but well, I knew it was dream anyway. What I read in the dreams is just the same in the real life. I was studying so intensely and nothing much went into my little brain.

A moment later, I met a pair of married couple who were supposed to be in their 50s and what makes me happy is I was actually studying in my room. The room I meant is my own sweet room and not the sulkiest and crappy room in the lousy yet getting more expensive hostel. Also, there were children around. We were actually playing and me playing cum studying or just memorizing in fact. Then the uncle bring me around with his van. He brought me to somewhere that I am not familiar with and he start asking questions. I was STUNNED!!! He actually ask me questions on the paper I am taking in the evening and initially I could not really up to his questions. Tried hard to think back the answers for the questions and he is asking more and more quickly and I am able to answer his question well and at least fast enough. After several minutes, he say he wanna leave for a while and out of some moments, he drove a bus and appears in front of me. A bus which was purple in colour and sparkling and look superb luxury. Went into the bus and he said wanna wait for another to ride in. Maybe there are others who were lost in the dream and he is the guide who is guiding we all back to our main road.

Then I woke up. Doing extraneous works and did not even touch my notes for the whole morning. Then when I reach library in the noon and starts my revision, what the guy ask in the dream actually just make sense. He ask me according to the sequences of my notes and miraculously I remembered most of them but the memory of these crappy stuff were still crumple together.

Never did I expected that some of the questions asked by the dream guy was in the paper as well. Only a few questions is spotted right on. However I am damn hating myself as I actually mixed the solution parts. Why am I explaining the whole damn Solution II and Solution III as the questions ask on Solution I and II. So dammit!!!

Forgotten about GuCl and the whole question 8 which is on the nick translation and 5' termini labelling process. So regret didn't arrange all the data in my mind well and at last this is what I cauze to myself. The feeling of regretting and rejection is so strong in me that I could hardly explain myself. Well, today has pass and will be welcoming tomorrow with a new feeling. Hope no more regressa!!!

Unwanted thought~Still!

Finally is October...
The month of surprise and dullness...

As the month approach, is time for me to buck up again once and again for another striving...
I need to survive in this varsity though...
These few days, the world is flocked by dusts and calamities...
Tragedies happens everyday and more and more people puff out their last breath...
The sky were also shedding tears for those who were dead and this would sure continues as the GLOBAL WARMING is really getting worst day by day. Just on yesterday, there are earthquakes, typhoon and even tsunami. What a tragic day and I even heard that some friends in UKM lost their dearest family members who were living in Indonesia. Sending condolences to those~

While for me, the situation is just as same. Yesterday is a day of emo for me and this kinda continued till now. I have no idea why am I so emo lately but there's sure a reason for all this. The overwhelming pressure is just too much for me but the main concern is my health conditions. All these emo's sure comes from my bad health situations. Gastritis almost acts every night. Furthermore, my "old friends"~ Mr. FLU is back and "hug" me with all might. Luckily I have shun away him but another of his relative is attacking me for chasing Mr. Flu away. What a week for me. Staying in a room which facing the road and dust just flies in so easily. My allergies nose works perfectly and is getting more pro in doing its job.

On the other hand, I am getting lesser quality sleep as I am doing USELESS stuff. Negleting my lecture notes and practical reports is really a great sin.




To my friend~ buck up... don't let this little thing hanging on your road to move forward. Relationship is just like this, can be sweet and can be bitter. His heart is no longer available for you but I believe that you can eventually found your Mr Right whose his heart will be yours fully. If you wanna find somebody to chat or accompany, we all ~ the night cat gang~ will be available for you always.

Witty sound, annoyed mind

Something is definitely wrong with me...

Starting from yesterday night, I have been heard of the door knocking sound every now and then...

The knocking sound was very small and seem to be from my neighbors but seem not too...

Does my mind trying to escape something again?

Or just that I am starting to have audio hallucination?

Is it due to that depression is getting worst?

The feeling of loneliness makes me become so reluctant to do anything...

Watching a korean drama series while listening to "Because You Live" from Jesse Mccartney...

What a sound...

Listening and watching at the same time but heard knocking all the while...

My mood has spoilt but still, I have watched till episode 8...

The series is regarding the lawyer circle in Korea and how influential people use their power and wealth to control the outcome of a lawsuit...

Wish I have more time for it...

Or else I will have to sacrifice my sleeping time for the series again...

Right now, I really wish I can have the energy to clean up my room but seem like I doesn't wish to stand up and move.

Just wanted to sleep while listening to the same song from yesterday...

Can I just do so?

but who is going to help with my tutorials and practical reports?

Mostly were have to be hand in by tomorrow morning as I will be having lab from 9 a.m. till 5 p.m. again...

P/s: Sorry for crapping here!

Bbbbllluuueeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssss........

Remembering the past life is so entertaining and fun. Everyday is filled with different activities. As a participant of a spectators, I rarely do anything. Enable to take part in it make me felt good but good days don't last long. Time frame shifted and I am now in second year where I'm no longer able to become a participant but a committee for some projects. Full commitment is required for the success of thy project. However the more I do, the more I tried to escape. Tonne of burden carried on my shoulder and now I have to weight on which is more heavy and decide on discarding on the heaviness. Can there be a ever ending galactic for me? I need it so much that I wanna do nothing and lie down peacefully there.

The mood for all this is over and I have nothing to venture. The blast of entertainment has no longer interest me and only freedom that I yearn interested me. However, the freedom is no longer available for me. The older I age, the less freedom I can enjoy. I don't want to be left alone in my own space. I need spaces to breath some more. Could anyone bring in the space for me so I can enjoy my breath and not holding my breath till so tired.