Recap and re-brand? New year resolution.

Its been a very long while since I last update my space. Today is the first day of 2014 and I am sitting alone in my laboratory just for the sake to connect with internet. Lame huh? Yeah! My house lead moved out and cancelled the internet subscription which was registered under his name. Well, few days without internet won't die kill, no? Guess, this will be a great time for me to concentrate on my readings and writing. Year 2013 been tough for me with all sort of ill-luck events happening and to some point that I almost been thrown into the sea of despair. As said, I was forced to spend a lot more that I expected to repair and regain. I am lucky that I had great supporting friends and family that helps me to go through those saddening events. Thank god I doesn't need to take antidepressant thereafter.

我是个脆弱的魔羯

我是个典型魔羯。 很多人都说我有很多秘密，不愿分享。 是的！ 我不容易与人们分享所有但如觉得能分享的决不会吝啬。自己有很多秘密但心底埋藏更多亲朋的秘密。凡事都想亲力亲为不想成为别人的负担。心软的我，很容易被影响而屈服。

当时你曾问我为什么不为你心动，我默默无言。有可能多年前的那句话深深的烙印在我心底。这句“祝你永远单身！不会有人会喜欢你的！” 如果是说给你听的话会让你有什么感觉呢？事过多年，但这句话仍然让我铭记疑心。人生这条路谁没有被伤害过呢？那就罢了。。

因为心软，被缠着又再次复合。但，大家都该明白已经没能回到过去了那样了。曾经会踏出第一步尽量每天都至少发封短讯但心已麻了。 人与人之间最好的桥梁就是坦诚与了解。一开始“了解”就被那句给封杀了。心底也开始慢慢的建起高厚的墙。重新开始后又被挂上不信任的头衔也没则。可能当下已经不再拥有那颗心里了。。。

你问我为什从未关心但你心里应该有个底吧？有可能是累了，心也给关进了保险箱，对你开始觉得厌倦。 你所说的话总是在我心底放炮。就连开玩笑都会让我很厌倦。 孤僻的我选择了逃避和无视。越是敏感的话题我越是不想详谈。 这样的我可能大家都会说很过分但我无所谓。

对不起！浪费了你的时间和口舌。

珍重再见！

February!!! Unlucky?

It is just the beginning of the February 2013 and something is definitely wrong with me. Nothing seems to be going smoothly and as deem fit my needs. Just what is going on with me nowadays? Lady luck seems to got away from my side. First day of the month and I had lost my money and now again I mixed stuff up. Finger crossed that I could get the correct one.

今年的我

十八+七的我：
是个简单又复杂的个体， 是个又善良及邪恶的个体。我失去的很多，也得到了很多。。。
感谢这一个月来亲朋的祝贺让我有个难忘的一年！

今年的生日也是多么的happening. Thanks :)

Dreams?

Would you felt to be in a totally different dimension of what you desired when in childhood? Sometimes I do think so. In adolescence, I was actually thinking of becoming an engineer rather than a biological researcher. The spark seems to return as I was attracted to a Japanese variety show on housing reconstructing. The mission of bringing others their dream house do make me feels marvelous. and happy at the same time. Their spirit and creativity amazed me. 

Physic and biology were once a dilemma when comes to decision making. Adore in both but seems to have higher affinity towards physic that I did not study however I choose to stick to the field that I am walking on. Hope I can still see the future that I desired.

最近的我好忙碌!

最近的我好忙碌!

Inspiration. Phrase. Inner thought.

There were times when some inspiration pop out from blues. Some little analogy of life somehow does inspired and gave support on everyday work.

Travelling home again!!!

Guess what, I am going back hometown to celebrate Mid Autumn Festival aka Mooncake Festival on this weekend. However, it will be a very rush trip for me. Would be tiring of course as I'm rushing back and forth  just for the sake of travelling. Meanwhile, this also means that I will be attending my cousin's wedding dinner. Haha..

Happy Mid Autumn Festival to all friends!!! :D

Life ain't easy

Life ain't easy! You have to go through a lot of hurdles and face tremors as you growing up. The inter-phase between stages is what drives us to grow even stronger and becoming a real adult. 

Did you ever wonder why your born to this world and realizing the difference between others and yourself? Well, I believe everyone does so. We would eventually compare with peoples whose are more superior in term of quality or ability than ourselves. This in turns resulting in pessimistic mindset and eventually hurt your weak and fragile soul. The wonder of human is that one soul could heal tremendously fast with the suitable approach of course. 

Been noticing few friends get set down recently. However, I couldn't do a thing to help out as they should have their own personal time for the healing process to proceed. I could only give my support verbally or via words. For all whom still in dilemma, please buck up! Your friends will still be around you and once you approach them, I believe they will help out if that's within their limit.

Well, its easy to say this but I myself did the same earlier on. Shutting up my heart and is unreachable by others. Even till now, I am still forging on a fake smile with hidden mask. I might have get used to this as since young, the hidden mask had been with me and had never teared down. Should I meet with a shrink to solve this? Hmm... I might someday!

Cousin getting married!!!!! :)

Its red happening at hometown by the end of the month! Hurray!!!

Plan crumbles!!! :(

What a let down!!! I had been experiencing the same exact problem twice for now. What sadden is when everything is ready and this happens. I couldn't verbally express myself now, just pure disappointment. So hoping to have midas touch by turns to boost my luck to get rip of this issue.

This could be a good reason for me to stay moody throughout the day which was already a let down. Could I just let it be? Somehow, I have been wasting my time due to this issue. I couldn't even proceed to the next stage of what I should be doing.

Right now, I just wanna shout:

I HATE PLAN AHEAD NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whichever that I plan crumbles. Whenever I don't plan ahead and do as I like, nothing happens though. DAMN!!!! Muther fcuker!!!!

Well, heres the end of my frustration moment.

A lesson taken is a lesson learnt. We have to learn to take everything as if its not as granted. Nobody is perfect and able to achieve success in the first tried. Hard-worker will eventually be awarded with what they really desired. Complaining will only makes the route towards success blur and misty. Accept the failure and buck up. Get back to the one with the initial confidence and race towards what planned.

Words for myself: Mourn for the failure today and get back to the usual self again after 0000hr. Adius!

Solemness

Been a long time since I last visit. Sorry for abandoning my blog for such a long time.

I was toooooooo lazy when comes to blogging nowadays but this is just a lame excuses to start with. Never say never!

Is it good to not leave another opportunity open while seeking for another? Shutting down one's path seems to be the common habits of teens nowadays. This ain't just applied to opportunity but also daily choices. For me, I just simply shut everything off and this is very dangerous. Though I do not wish to have another opportunity flying pass me, I am aiming for higher resolution. The meaning of path is too deep to be understand whilst to be explained its another hefty work. Seeking for easy way out might be fast for most but the progress of learning never stop just here. The hard way teaches us how to live life to the fullest. However the flicker minded me choose to switch between both road from time to time making life so miserable. Well, human won't be happy with what they had now. That's the desire that drives us further but for me its another story. I seem to neglect more people's feeling than before and this might be the cruelest part in my life. As a Capri born, I am covered with solemness but desired for more close friends. However, as time passed, my friend circle does not expand but shrinking instead. The attitude of shut oneself off seems to have its side effect. My social network was small and in the nearby zone. Friends who lost contact were once best with and that the bitterness experienced till now. What should I do to remake the scenario where I do have more friends nearby?

Those who seek for truth will eventually found an answer for what they sought for. That should be what I hold on to for now. Buck up Ben!!!!

Demotivation of blogger

What demotivated me from writing more in my blog?

Yet another hills conquering missions

When was I last updated my blogs? Nada..been month I abandon my venting space. Lolz

Today, I had another wonderful experiences with my fellow lab mates. Its fun to hang around together and have meaningful activities. Almost everyone sacrifices their sleep time in order for us to have fun together. Setting off at 4 a.m. ain't easy. Staying awake and lethargy for this high energy consumed activity is even harder but we prove that we conquered it all. The whole trips comes with a "slogan" which is "WOW!!! Fantastic Baby!!!"

Can you get the coherency of this? Haha...
Never belittle the power of nature as I believe we are blessed enough to still safe to hike to the peak of the hill. Why do I say so? It was raining sometimes 12 hours before we reach the hills and start climbing. However, I was quite despondent with the scenery of the hills. Its no longer that beautiful and majestic as compared to previous trips. It was filled with RUBBISH and VANDALIZED. Why we human are so damn self-fish??? Can't anybody just make sure whatever activities that to be carried on does not destroy the natural beauty of what mother earth gave birth to? Its good if you would like to have something to prove your appearance to certain place but when you did so, have you thought of the consequences? I believe that every living beings can think and act accordingly. Anyhow, that's my feeling after went for the second times.

I did feel happy and excited but on the other hand, I was moody and despondent. Can you describe this feeling?

Sentimental age

Have you heard of sentimental age before? The age where teardrops came down easily without realizing over something very minute. Somehow, we do have the moments when we were still a newborn but as we grow up, the environment force us to be strong and tough, hence forgotten the once we had treasure.

For me, I seem to be getting to the sentimental age now as what I remember since young, I never actually cried for most of the touching stories that aired. However in these recent months, I was crying on almost every touching moments in dramas or variety show. Initially I thought I am going crazy but then only realizing that this is the moment where we start to appreciate every single thing in the world so we would not leave the world with much regret. Memories are created in every second of our life but its just up to us to choose the path where we are going to live on. The scenes will be different but the progress would still be the same no matter what scenarios you are going through.

Never belittle the power of tears! So, have you get to the sentimental age now? Share with me if you like to... :)

C'est d"Avril!!!

Its April! How was your 1st of April? C'est Poisson d'Avril!!! haha...

Time has passed and I remains the same. Never changed! Just that, I am in another environment to continue my life journey. Life is short so I just wanna make it simple but the cruel fact that everybody have to face is time never stop moving and we have limited time to achieve what we plan to achieve. Hence, would you make yourself clear and step out faster and vigorously?

When life comes with decision to be made, I am in super duper dilemma. There is no why and how I would have dilemma when encountering this situation but I just couldn't made up my mind on this matter ever since young. People do need to made decision out of choices they have and I choose to avoid and ran away. Timid huh?

Please forgive the timid me for being cowardly withdraw again for the "N" times. You know if you know what I am stating right here.

Gracias... Adios!!!

Start counting down

I am starting to count down for my final days in office life. This time, I am leaving to further study. Well, I am still young and this might just be an alternative ways to achieve my goal. Nevertheless, my goal remains a secret so that I can try my very own effort to achieve without listening to other's comment.

I live life my very own way. So there should be no obstruction and barriers to stop me from moving forward. However, the memories will always be there. Get to know of few friends with same channel and that is what I abandoning in the company. My knowledge will be passed on but don't think will be everything.

In the company, I got to have few good friends whose were also my customer. When I inform them about my plans to leave the company, they are shocked! As I am the only person who know how to deal with them effectively. Anyway, they still sent me the best wishes and I also tried my best to monitor their progress with new peoples until my last day in the company.

Every gathering ends with goodbye. The same goes with working. We have to say goodbye eventually to colleagues sooner or later. The bonding exist could never be broken. All well ends well. Gracias~

Mental health?

Sometimes I am wondering why am I doing so to my own body. However, there is no answer behind all this.
I am mentally sicked and thus contributed to some of my physical sick as well.

Mental health is very important in maintaining good and fisque physical health. Keep your mental healthy and you will feel healthy from inner self. For me, I did the reverse. I am slowly crippling my mental and spiritual... Sorry if you see me posting most on my health problem. I couldn't help but to continue anyway. Self-infliction in another level of stage and I am upgrading the stage slowly and mentally.

There must be a reason on why am I self-inflicting so much since I entered public University. Some may have already know the answer but I would have the secret kept deep in my heartfelt. Its true that I can revert everything back to normal but the addiction and the "thrill" just make me impossible to stop myself.

There are so many things to be done but I choose this ain't funny right? After years of crippling my health, my gastritis seem to be getting worse. My gastric juice just being released from time to time and I am trying very hard to stop heartburn from happening again. Whatsoever, it might happening in 1 or 2 days even when I am eating on time and with the correct portion. I really hate to go back to >400 mg antacid again but seem like soon I will.

Anyway, I will try to make myself extremely busy again to curb this issue. Until then....

The 24th me

Its been a long while since I last update.

Today is my 24th birthday but I don't really feel happy but extremely emo today. I have no idea why this is happening out of a sudden. Maybe I hate birthday... I don't really like myself anymore. Starting to hate the me that I know.

My body condition is at the bottom. For the past 2 days, I had been having insomnia and I still have yet found the cause of it. Why is this happening to me? The insomnia comes with a price, heartburn. Those who had gastritis should experienced heartburn before. The after effect is devastating and depressing.

Yes, its my birthday and I ought to be happy to witness the world for the 24th years. However, this complications make me felt like shit. Thanks to everyone who wished me. I really appreciate a lot but I am sorry that I couldn't express my gratitude from my utmost heartfelt. My day seems to be ruined by my emoness.  I know most of my friends ask me to cast aside my emo and stay happy but its not possible. I am still the most depressed one. I do have an urge to cry but I had no reason or anything to cry out loud. Would be easy for me to cry as I'm constantly in my own room but I just couldn't. The feeling is tense and depress at the same time. I have no idea how I can go through this but there ought to be something I can do for this.

Sometimes, been lonely for too long makes one wanted to break free.  I think I also does. Been waiting for someone who will pull me away from the screen and get back to the reality but where are you? Seem like every year, I had been expecting for this and never once came true. The mask I wore everyday seems to get fake as day passes as the contra with my true self.

Sorry if all I wrote here doesn't make sense as I am seriously sleep deprived. Hope I can sleep well tonight or else I will be a walking corpse by tomorrow.

Anyhow, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me!!!

PS: I bet somebody gonna scold me again.....

I'm descendants of Nyonya Baba!!!

Now only I know that I have the bloodstream of Nyonya Baba. My great grandma is actually nyonya and lived in Red House at Malacca years back. She been living as a pure nyonya who wore and follow the culture of theirs. However, I doesn't have the chances to meet them yet. What a shame for me. Actually there are more relatives allocated all around but I have no idea who and where they are. If there's ain't any serious matter that bring us all together, I doubt I will be able to even meet and recon anytime soon.

Fate is really a miracle. It bring peoples together even when it is taking away some one closed. The bond of this family has been tied stronger even with this situation. So right now, we, as younger generation should try to explore through the history of this family and start to find out the rest of our family member.

Always in remembrance: 2nd aunt and cousin at Sarawak. May both of you rest in peace!
#will go to Sarawak if possible and meet with all my cousin there one day for sure!!! Wanna find another uncle who had the exact face as my dad...LOLz